


I Don't Want to Go

by Arlothia



Series: FebuWhump 2021 [6]
Category: Life on Mars (Korea TV)
Genre: (love ya!), Concerned Friends, Existential Crisis, Fear of Death, Febuwhump, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, POV First Person, Present Tense, Sleep, Sleep Deprivation, Unconscious, Whump, and I'm blaming Smylealong for this one, because I'm insane, exhausted, h/c, psychological whump, tired, wake up somewhere else
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29258379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arlothia/pseuds/Arlothia
Summary: I'm dead, aren't I? But I'm here. I'm alive. Is this heaven? Hell? I don't care. I don't want to leave...
Series: FebuWhump 2021 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2139549
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	I Don't Want to Go

**Author's Note:**

> FebuWhump Day 6 - Insomnia  
> A fun little experiment with First Person/Present Tense brought on by my beta-ing adventure with Smylealong's "Birth of the Yiling Patriarch" (go read it!!!) ;)

I lay on my mattress, listening to the constant ticking of the clock on my wall. My eyes are wide open. What will happen if I close them? I’m dead, after all. At least, I am in that other world. The real world?

Is this heaven, then? I think of Kang Dong Cheol and the painful slaps on my back and the annoying fingers he pointed in my face just this afternoon. Surely heaven wouldn’t be this sore and irritating. Hell then? But then Yoon Na Yeong’s smile flashes through my mind and I can’t believe hell would give me something so sweet.

So where am I? Some sort of limbo? If that’s the case, will I leave this place if I allow myself to fall asleep?

I can’t risk it. I won’t! I had been so lonely in that other life; looking back, everything seemed so cold and washed out. And now? Here? Life is vibrant and exciting and fun. I’m actually having  _ fun _ ! And I have friends, too. Good friends who care about me and laugh with me, if not  _ at _ me oftentimes.

And I don’t want to leave. I will do everything in my power to make sure I don’t leave here. And if that means I refuse to sleep? So be it.

* * *

I start to regret my decision as my alarm starts screaming at me. I barely have enough strength and wherewithal to turn if off. I am thoroughly exhausted, but I’m still here. And once I get up and going, I’ll have an easier time staying awake.

It had been so easy at first to keep myself awake. I walked around, drank cup after cup of coffee, watched whatever was on the TV to keep my mind off of the constant pull I felt towards that welcoming unconsciousness. That empty nothingness that scares me so much. 

But now it is a struggle to even move my hand to wipe my face, let alone get to my feet. Somehow I manage it, even getting dressed and out the door without falling down.

I decide to walk to the precinct instead of taking a cab for fear that I’ll fall asleep in the back seat. My feet move on instinct, trudging me along step by step. I don’t know how long it takes me to get there - the entire way is a blur - but I know I’m late.

Kang Dong Cheol is saying something very loudly and it sounds like a complaint of some kind, but I can’t make out the words. Maybe I shouldn’t have walked here. I feel more drained than I did when I left my house. I am just so very, very tired…

* * *

I wake up on the floor to see four very concerned faces looking down at me. But I’m not in the office. I’m in the off duty room lying on a mattress. Wait… Had I been asleep?

I bolt upright and the faces of Yoon Na Yeong, Lee Young Gi, and Jo Nam Shik retreat quickly to avoid getting hit by my sudden movement. Kang Dong Cheol isn’t so lucky. I feel my head connect with something hard and I see the man across from me sprawled on the ground, holding his nose.

As I rub my head, wincing, I look at my watch. 11:43. Have I been asleep for almost three hours? But what about the nothingness? This still isn’t heaven or hell and I certainly don’t feel any deader than I did before.

The others ask if I’m alright and I assure them that I am. I just hadn’t gotten much sleep last night. His nostrils packed with tissues Lee Yeong Gi had given him, now stained with blood, Kang Dong Cheol berates me for coming to work in my condition and scaring them all like I had. My mind is still reeling with the implications of my recent nap so I barely manage a mumbled apology.

I try to get up, but hands push me back down to the mattress, pulling a blanket over me and adjusting the pillow under my head. Yoon Na Yeong insists that I get more rest, promising they’ll come and get me should anything important happen, and moves to follow the other three out the door. She turns out the lights and smiles at me before closing it. I can still hear Kang Dong Cheol grumbling about his nose as he moves further down the hallway.

I lay there, much as I had done the night before.

There’s still a part of me that’s scared to sleep, but...hadn’t I done just that? Three hours and nothing had happened. I hadn’t gone anywhere. I am still here. So maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to be afraid. One thing’s for sure, though: I can’t go on much longer without sleep.

Tentatively, I close my eyes, consciously making my body relax, my breathing slower. Just a couple more hours, I tell myself. That’s all I need. Then I’ll be ready to get to work.

I don’t hear the door open seven hours later, or the footsteps of someone walking to my side, or the sound of a tray of dinner being placed on the floor next to me. The door closes once more, and I am still fast asleep.


End file.
